One of my favorite jokes kids will love
A vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on door and an elderly lady answered, he told her that he would like to demonstrate his vacuum for her.

She invited him in and they sat on the couch and discussed the features and attachments etc, the salesman noticed a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table and helped himself to a handful.

He talked a while longer and said, Oh I’m sorry I ate your whole bowl of peanuts, the old lady said, Oh that’s OK with these teeth all I can do is suck the candy off of them.

I would like to share an experience with you all. It has to do with drinking and driving.

As you know some of us have had brushes with the authorities on our way home in recent months. Well, I for one have done something about it. The other night I was out for a dinner and a few drinks with some friends. So, after having far too much vino, and knowing full well I was wasted, I did something I’ve never done before. I took a bus home. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before

Men and Barbecues

It is important to study the etiquette of this outdoor cooking ritual, as it is usually the only type of cooking a real man will do – probably because there is an element of danger involved. When a man volunteers to do the barbecue, the following chain of events is put into motion:

1. The woman buys the food.

2. The woman makes a salad, prepares vegetables, and makes dessert.

3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill – beer in hand.

4. THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

5. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

7. THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

8. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.

9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

10. Everyone PRAISES THE MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her night off and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing her.

A plane crashed in the middle of rural Tennessee.

Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force.
When they got there, the disaster was clear.

The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone.

They spotted a lone farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened.

They hurried over to the man’s tractor.
“Hank,” the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. “Did you see this terrible accident happen?“.
“Yep. Sure did.” the farmer mumbled unconcernedly, cutting off the tractor’s engine.
“Do you realize that is the airplane of the President of the United States?”
“Yep.”
“Were there any survivors?”
“Nope. They’s all kilt straight out,” the farmer answered. “I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning..”
“President Obama is dead?” the sheriff shouted.
“Well,” the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. “He kept a-saying he wasn’t… But you know how bad that sumbitch lies.”

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Posted By Mr D Stevens to Blog of Jokes at 5/23/2010 10:05:00 PM

Can’t pay my rent, I need a place to sleep.

Would be ideal if its waterproof.

Cheers.

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Posted By Mr D Stevens to Blog of Jokes at 4/08/2010 01:17:00 AM

A lazy bugger
Your eyebrows are too close together
Woman of child-bearing age (esp. if blond, blue-eyed etc. – banned by the missus)
Male under forty (banned by me)
Ethnic minority with less than 5 generations based in Northern part of UK
Member of a religion that insists on prayer when you should be working
Lesbian (on the grounds that it reduces the odds while gay men improve them so are acceptable)
Speak with an unusual (i.e. not Northern) accent
Are without sin (can’t be trusted and boring)
Believe rules should be followed slavishly
Demand a Risk Assessment before doing anything
Think committees make decisions, they don’t, I do
I don’t like you, the missus doesn’t like you, the dog doesn’t like you (any one of these)

Otherwise you are most welcome and, if you’re really good, we might pay handsomely (but not as much as benefits or the minimum wage, obviously)!

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Posted By Mr D Stevens to Blog of Jokes at 3/10/2010 09:38:00 AM

Precinct Beverage Operative
Salary: 10p for a cup of tea + carrier bags

Harold Ramp & Partners, one of Europe’s leading vagrancy consultancies are seeking to recruit an experienced precinct beverage operative to join a busy bench in Newcastle’s Eldon Square shopping centre.

The successful candidate will have a proven track record of stumbling around a retail concourse whilst swigging from a bottle of white cider, and will ideally have at least 2 years experience of aggressive shouting at passers by. Shoes without laces are not essential, but would be an advantage.

If you are a purple-faced dedicated team player aged 25-75, looking to expand your career horizons in a challenging yet rewarding post bringing you into close contact with members of the public and security staff, we’d like to hear from you.

For an application bundle contact Mad Jim on the bench opposite Thorntons, Eldon Square, Newcastle Upon Tyne.

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Posted By Blogger to Blog of Jokes at 11/27/2009 06:02:00 AM