Jokes and funny moments» funny

Need hot water

jokes — Mon, 24 May 2010 05:07:20 +0000

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Posted By Mr D Stevens to Blog of Jokes at 5/23/2010 10:05:00 PM

Funny wanted ad

jokes — Thu, 08 Apr 2010 08:18:40 +0000

Coffin wanted

Can’t pay my rent, I need a place to sleep.

Would be ideal if its waterproof.

Cheers.

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Posted By Mr D Stevens to Blog of Jokes at 4/08/2010 01:17:00 AM

Employee needed

jokes — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 17:41:46 +0000

Requirements:

A lazy bugger
Your eyebrows are too close together
Woman of child-bearing age (esp. if blond, blue-eyed etc. – banned by the missus)
Male under forty (banned by me)
Ethnic minority with less than 5 generations based in Northern part of UK
Member of a religion that insists on prayer when you should be working
Lesbian (on the grounds that it reduces the odds while gay men improve them so are acceptable)
Speak with an unusual (i.e. not Northern) accent
Are without sin (can’t be trusted and boring)
Believe rules should be followed slavishly
Demand a Risk Assessment before doing anything
Think committees make decisions, they don’t, I do
I don’t like you, the missus doesn’t like you, the dog doesn’t like you (any one of these)

Otherwise you are most welcome and, if you’re really good, we might pay handsomely (but not as much as benefits or the minimum wage, obviously)!

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Posted By Mr D Stevens to Blog of Jokes at 3/10/2010 09:38:00 AM

Job ad for a Hobo

jokes — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 14:04:18 +0000

Consider a job as a HOBO:

Precinct Beverage Operative
Salary: 10p for a cup of tea + carrier bags

Harold Ramp & Partners, one of Europe’s leading vagrancy consultancies are seeking to recruit an experienced precinct beverage operative to join a busy bench in Newcastle’s Eldon Square shopping centre.

The successful candidate will have a proven track record of stumbling around a retail concourse whilst swigging from a bottle of white cider, and will ideally have at least 2 years experience of aggressive shouting at passers by. Shoes without laces are not essential, but would be an advantage.

If you are a purple-faced dedicated team player aged 25-75, looking to expand your career horizons in a challenging yet rewarding post bringing you into close contact with members of the public and security staff, we’d like to hear from you.

For an application bundle contact Mad Jim on the bench opposite Thorntons, Eldon Square, Newcastle Upon Tyne.

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Posted By Blogger to Blog of Jokes at 11/27/2009 06:02:00 AM

Diary of a Cat

jokes — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 14:01:51 +0000

Diary of a Cat

DAY 752 – My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture…Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 – Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors,I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair…must try this On their bed.

DAY 765 – Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was… Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 – I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo.” What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still LODGED between my teeth.

DAY 771 – There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event, however, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call “beer.” More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 – I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and he speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my activities. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time…

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Posted By Blogger to Blog of Jokes at 11/27/2009 05:58:00 AM

What men and women want

jokes — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 04:10:34 +0000

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up
to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited

Boy with a letter to God

jokes — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 04:09:11 +0000

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00

When The postal authorities received the letter addressed to : God , USA , … they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down and wrote a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God , Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC. Do you know those bureaucrats deducted $95.00 in taxes!

[Blog of Jokes] Deaf wife

jokes — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 20:40:33 +0000

A man marries a deaf woman. He tells her they need a code for having sex. Pull on my member once for yes, 42 times for no . . .

[Blog of Jokes] Sister-in-law

jokes — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 16:48:29 +0000

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend?
She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses.
She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.

It had to be deliberate.
She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome and didn’t really want to overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn’t say a word.

She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me.” I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.
I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside.
With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said,
“We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”

“The moral of this story is:”

“Always keep your condoms in your car.”

[Blog of Jokes] Answering machine messages

jokes — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 14:06:11 +0000

Option 1 “My lover and I can’t come to the phone right now but if you’ll leave your name and number, we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re finished.”

Option 2 “A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. So, leave a message.”

Option 3 “Hi! This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.”

Option 4 “Hi! Now you say something.”

Option 5 “Hi! I’m not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.”

Option 6 “Hello. I am David’s answering machine. What are you?”

Option 7 “Hello! If you leave a message, I’ll call you soon. If you leave a “sexy” message, I’ll call sooner!”

Option 8 “Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. ?Please speak very slowly and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.”

Option 9 “Hello! You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their pictures taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.”

Option 10 “This is not an answering machine This is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I’ll think about returning your call.”

Option 11 “Hi! I’m probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message and if I don’t call back, it’s you.”

Option 12 “Hi! This is George. I’m sorry I can’t answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.”

Option 13 “Hi! If you are a burglar, we’re probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can’t come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren’t home and it’s safe to leave a message.”

Option 14 “Hello! You’ve reached Jim and Sonya. We can’t pick up the phone right now, because we’re doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right, real slowly. So leave a message and when we’re done brushing our teeth we’ll get back to you.”

These words are lovely dark and deep, but I’ve got promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep, so leave a message at the beep.

Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape!

Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can’t answer the phone right now because I’ve just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I’m still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I’ll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges.

I’m gone.

You have reached 555-6238. Why?

This is you-know-who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.

You have reached 234-1243. This is an answering machine. This is the nineties. You know what to do.

You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.

This is a boring answering machine message. Leave a message anyway. [Useful to keep people from calling at odd hours to hear your latest exciting message.]

[Classical music in background, slow stoned voice:] Don’t you ever wonder what life would be like? …

So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, So leave a message, and I’ll get back to thee.

This is 234-3249, and no, it’s not Pete’s Pizzaria. It’s not the Credit Union either, and no one named Pam lives here. You can leave a message though.

Hi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regular loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like, I dunno, bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? Well, sometimes I do. Bye.