Jokes and funny moments» hilarious

Need hot water

jokes — Mon, 24 May 2010 05:07:20 +0000

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Posted By Mr D Stevens to Blog of Jokes at 5/23/2010 10:05:00 PM

Funny wanted ad

jokes — Thu, 08 Apr 2010 08:18:40 +0000

Coffin wanted

Can’t pay my rent, I need a place to sleep.

Would be ideal if its waterproof.

Cheers.

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Posted By Mr D Stevens to Blog of Jokes at 4/08/2010 01:17:00 AM

Employee needed

jokes — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 17:41:46 +0000

Requirements:

A lazy bugger
Your eyebrows are too close together
Woman of child-bearing age (esp. if blond, blue-eyed etc. – banned by the missus)
Male under forty (banned by me)
Ethnic minority with less than 5 generations based in Northern part of UK
Member of a religion that insists on prayer when you should be working
Lesbian (on the grounds that it reduces the odds while gay men improve them so are acceptable)
Speak with an unusual (i.e. not Northern) accent
Are without sin (can’t be trusted and boring)
Believe rules should be followed slavishly
Demand a Risk Assessment before doing anything
Think committees make decisions, they don’t, I do
I don’t like you, the missus doesn’t like you, the dog doesn’t like you (any one of these)

Otherwise you are most welcome and, if you’re really good, we might pay handsomely (but not as much as benefits or the minimum wage, obviously)!

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Posted By Mr D Stevens to Blog of Jokes at 3/10/2010 09:38:00 AM

Job ad for a Hobo

jokes — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 14:04:18 +0000

Consider a job as a HOBO:

Precinct Beverage Operative
Salary: 10p for a cup of tea + carrier bags

Harold Ramp & Partners, one of Europe’s leading vagrancy consultancies are seeking to recruit an experienced precinct beverage operative to join a busy bench in Newcastle’s Eldon Square shopping centre.

The successful candidate will have a proven track record of stumbling around a retail concourse whilst swigging from a bottle of white cider, and will ideally have at least 2 years experience of aggressive shouting at passers by. Shoes without laces are not essential, but would be an advantage.

If you are a purple-faced dedicated team player aged 25-75, looking to expand your career horizons in a challenging yet rewarding post bringing you into close contact with members of the public and security staff, we’d like to hear from you.

For an application bundle contact Mad Jim on the bench opposite Thorntons, Eldon Square, Newcastle Upon Tyne.

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Posted By Blogger to Blog of Jokes at 11/27/2009 06:02:00 AM

Diary of a Cat

jokes — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 14:01:51 +0000

Diary of a Cat

DAY 752 – My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture…Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 – Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors,I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair…must try this On their bed.

DAY 765 – Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was… Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 – I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo.” What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still LODGED between my teeth.

DAY 771 – There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event, however, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call “beer.” More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 – I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and he speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my activities. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time…

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Posted By Blogger to Blog of Jokes at 11/27/2009 05:58:00 AM