A woman walked up to a little old man rocking
in a chair on his porch.
“I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,”
she said. “What’s your secret for a long happy
life?”
“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,”
he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week,
eat fatty foods, and never exercise.”
“That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old
are you?’
“Twenty-six,” he said.
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What to Wear with the IRS
A man who was called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. “Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper,” the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. “Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.“
Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.
“Let me tell you a story,” replied the Rabbi. “A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. ‘Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.‘ But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a v-neck right down to your navel.”
The man protested: “What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?”
The Rabbi replied, “No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed.”
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Punk walks into a pub with flourescent orange and green hair, tattered trousers, tattered shoes, vest with holes through it, walks next to an old man sitting by the pub and orders a drink, after a while he gets conscious that the old man is staring at him”whats the matter haven’t you ever done anything wild when you were young”? he askes the old manwithout missing a beat the old man says “sure when I was young I joined the navy, I went to thailand and had sex with a parrot thought you were my son“.
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“I’d like to come in,” replies Clinton.
President Clinton finishes his time on earth and approaches the Pearly Gates of Heaven. “And who might you be?” inquires St. Peter.
“It’s me, Bill Clinton, formerly the President of the United States and Leader of the Free World.”
“Oh….Mr. President! What may I do for you?” asks St. Peter.
“I’d like to come in,” replies Clinton.
“Sure,” says the Saint. “But first you have to confess your sins. What bad things have you done in your life?”
Clinton bites his lip and answers, “Well, I tried marijuana, but you can’t call it `dope-smoking‘ because I didn’t inhale. There were inappropriate extramarital relationships, but you can’t call it ‘adultery‘ because I didn’t have full ‘sexual relations.’ And I made some statements that were misleading, but legally accurate, but you can’t call it ‘bearing false witness‘ because, as far as I know, it didn’t meet the legal standard of perjury.”
With that St. Peter consults the Book of Life briefly, and declares, “Okay, here’s the deal. We’ll send you somewhere hot, but we won’t call it ‘Hell.’ You’ll be there indefinitely, but we won’t call it ‘eternity.’ And when you enter, you don’t have to “abandon all hope,” just don’t hold your breath …….
waiting for it to freeze over.”
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Click Here, You Idiot
You know you’ve landed in sales doo-dah when the title is designed to shock / get attention.
If you aren’t 100% sure… the page design should give it away. There’s no left margin or right column. Stay on track and don’t get distracted. There aren’t links to take you away or navigation bars to confuse you. The goal is to push you to the bottom of the page where there’s a Paypal button. More about that later.
STAY FOCUSED
The page is narrow to fit any screen size resolution and if you have to scroll the only direction is… down, down, down. Towards the Paypal button. A fool and his money are soon parted, but you’re no fool; so you can’t be rushed to the end.
‘OW MUCH IS IT THEN?
Hang on, hang on. Patience is the mother of …er, someone. Miss Guided? If you’re told the price now you may run away. You need to be pre-conditioned. Conditioner protects you from shocks (don’t try this at home).
But really, what’s the hurry? If it’s a FANTASTIC DEAL you’ll find the price on the page. If it’s FANTASTIC VALUE brace yourself, and you’ll find the price when you Add To Shopping Cart… after you’ve learned that you NEED this product.
If you want out – and want out badly – go straight to Paypal
Remember: It’s a crime to convince others they need something completely useless only if it’s something they really, really don’t need. It’s the Ferengi rule of Long Sales Letters. Comparatively speaking, Ferengi are an honest people though; so let’s not drag them into this.
The time’s come for you to be Convinced. And for that American is so, so much cooler than English. Partly because it uses centered text. And partly because it isn’t embarrassed to add <bold>, <red>, and <large font>.
Take 3 Easy Steps And Own Your Own Awesome Money Machine. It’s 100% Able To Give You Massive Residual Income… Read This Letter And I’ll Tell You Why I Am Parting With This Money Machine So YOU Can Get Rich Within 24 Hours, Guaranteed!
See, you didn’t miss that, did ya?
Key points recap:
- IT’S EASY
- IT’S FROM SOMEONE WHO KNOWS HOW TO MAKE MONEY
- IT HAS WORDS LIKE "MASSIVE", "AWESOME" and "MIND-BLOWING"
WHAT’S THAT? TALK IN LOWER CASE? WHY?
OK, just don’t blame him if you don’t get the message. He’s only trying to point out that the product has
a feel good factor ("100%" always feels good)
immediacy (who can wait more than one day to get rich?)
guaranteed residual income (Americans have MLM in their DNA; "residual income" may be explained for other nationalities)
a requirement that there’s no work on your part (or very little)
The only effort required of you is Clicking That Paypal Button. Even an idiot can do that, right?
In case you don’t understand "100% guaranteed", I’ve included an image to illustrate. It looks like a seal of some sort so builds credibility. Establishing credibility is important before picking someone’s pocket.
Time to get the kitsch out. Lurid yellow highlight works. You can taste last night’s dinner again? Never mind. Concentrate on the Great Opportunity and on the bold text
You’ll soon see images of cheques showing $9,231.46 earned in 8 days and they’ll be like works of (Photoshop) art! Yes, $9,231.46 in 8 days
Impressive? You want in on the secret? No problem. You, too, can make $9321.46 in 8 days.
In fact YOU sounds better that "you". So, YOU too, can make $9321.46 in 8 days.
The amount is specific because specific is believable. Truth is even more believable e.g. the quickest way to get to $9231.46 is to start with $20,000 and lose $10,768.54 in advertising. You KNOW that that’s true. On the other hand do you know better than to disclose truth in Sales Letters? Award yourself a star! You’re getting smarter already. When you complete the Paypal transaction at the end of the page you’ll be a whole 7.3% more intelligent.
The product is INCREDIBLY EASY. If the author, who has all these natural – and feigned – spelling and grammatical mistakes, can make $9231.46, so can YOU. Why settle for other opportunities to make just a little money? It’s so easy my grandmother could do it. Even without her internet connection and email password! Because the idea sells itself he’s paid a professional Long Sales Letter Copywriter a large sum of money to put together his killer sales pitch for him.
Yes, the more a product sells itself the more you have to spend on marketing it.
Notice how I have no ads on this page? I hate ads. I hate how the contemptuous little b*stards steal space on the page, how they trick you into clicking, how they flash and animate and beg like prostitutes for the slightest attention? Do you like creepy, disease-ridden insects? No, you don’t, and that’s good, because now I’m empathising with YOU and getting YOU on side … and the closer YOU get the easier it is to sandbag YOU.
Oops, did I say that aloud? You should be moving towards the closing arguments; put your feet up and stop struggling with paragraphs. Keep moving, keep moving. With your feet up. Keep moving and
The letter will give YOU bonuses to act now. It’s a limited time deal – the author doesn’t want to keep selling the e-book and making money forever!
Act now, because everybody wants a copy (of course!) – and he hasn’t printed enough e-books.
Because there’s so much of demand and not enough stock he’s giving away five free bonuses just to persuade YOU to act now.
Hey, it’s all about YOU, YOU, YOU. They’ll even let YOU in on this secret way of making $9231.46 in 8 days. But YOU have to act now.
In case you missed it, you do need to ACT NOW.
By now, if you aren’t convinced there’s at least some merit in the product, YOU haven’t been listening. Let’s go through the numbers again.
If you weren’t impressed by $9231.46 per 8 days how about this?
$421,185.36 per year!
Yes, that’s how much YOU will make. MASSIVE.
ALMOST HALF A MILLION DOLLARS EVERY SINGLE YEAR
for the rest of your life! It could even be
A MILLION, OR MORE!
Don’t believe it? See the cheque below for $1,000,000? It’s even got a stamp on it saying "This is a genuine cheque, promise", so you know it’s kosher. Now look at the figures again:
A CHECK FOR ONE MILLION DOLLARS!
Yes, my friends, that’s how much YOU can make.
You’ve passed the bullet point test – you read them. So you’re ready for, ahem…
THE TESTIMONIALS
Each testimonial has to be signed …because Vincent Van Gogh didn’t print his name on his products, did he? No! He took the trouble to sign them. And, if you see a painting signed "Vincent" it would be rude and superfluous to ask for proof of ID. It is similarly reassuring to readers – and an irrefutable proof of legitimacy – to have a signature below each testimonial.
I’m telling ya this product kicks butt. It’s like teaching a child to read. Once you do that he or her will pass a literacy test. That’s why I recommend it personally by my wife.
Russel Sprouts
Oh, you recognise that picture? I’ll try again.
Thank you for asking me to say a few words. Because I was going to say them anyway. Those few words. The ones you asked me to say. Where was I? Oh, you know what I mean. …
Koe Caine
And again
(Template information for author of sales letter: Replace the below text with your own testimonial in each of these four yellow boxes. Then delete this text.)
<<<<Because the prospect’s defences are down when he’s reading testimonials and he’s not wary he’s being given a sales pitch, the testimonial is the best place to put "Sales Messages" and "Emotional Messages". The Testimonial Box is the spare room of the Long Sales Letter. Anything too corny to fit elsewhere, that stinks too much of hyperbole, or gives narcissism a bad name can find a home in here eg: "I was not expecting an e-book on getting rich to make me sexually attractive but, wow, was I wrong! I can’t seem to fend off the string of beauty queens. It doesn’t matter to me that they love me only for my library of e-books.">>>>
Robin Meblind
And again
<<<<A picture distracts from a thousand words so when you don’t have something strong to say divert attention with a picture. At least 50% will get distracted. Depending on how strong the image some may not even notice the missing signature>>>>
Faye Kinnitt
Notice how everybody who writes a testimonial sends a passport photo for the author’s convenience? And at least one testimonial is from an attractive woman? Beautiful women do that a lot – they have a disproportionate tendency to write testimonials for authors of Get Rich Quick books. They also have a strange compulsion to attach their photo to every email. Don’t pause to ponder the reasons. Move on, move on, there’s a product you have to get to. And a Paypal button.
Note: If you dig into the etymology of Testimonials you’ll find that the word is derived from the Latin for testifying, Testis. Because testimonials sounds similar to testicles correct usage needs to be pointed out:
Incorrect: These testimonials are the dog’s bollocks
Correct: These testimonials are complete dog bollocks
THE GUARANTEE
Even the most intractable idiot will have spotted some warning signs along the way. Perhaps the genuine photo of the book’s jacket made for some discomfort. Or the references sounded coherent. The reader, quite reasonably, doubts the author’s veracity.
And he’s right to be sceptical. The author understands. He wants to assure you that your satisfaction is 100% guaranteed. That’s why he offers an unconditional money back guarantee.
IF YOU ARE NOT 100% SATISFIED…..
there is NO HURRY. Evaluating a product doesn’t happen overnight so you get a whole 90 days to try it out. Take your time. You need to be 100% satisfied. No, make that 110%. You can’t possibly ask for more, can you?
Still want a refund? Think about it hard. You can get a refund tomorrow, or the day after/ next week / next month…. why hurry? Just keep prevaricating. Prevaricating is good.
Ah!? you want a refund now? Why do today what you can safely put off for tomorrow? Enjoy some more. Click here to return to enjoying – the book WILL make you rich beyond your wildest dreams. And get you laid. Click here if you really, really want to cancel.
A Long Sales Letter will often have an image of the book being sold (or offered as a bonus). Yes, the author photographed it when it was still hot off the printers. You didn’t think it was Photoshopped, did you? Testimonicals to you, mate, if you did.
In this case, you know the above is a real photo because you can see the shadow from my camera flash! That’s proof it’s genuine.
Still not convinced?
Wow! Is there no limit to how smart you can get?
You spotted the flaw! If I really wanted genuine I’d have photographed my book standing on a glass table and with a bit of a reflection. Yes, the reflection is compulsory because it shows you, the reader, are getting double the value! All good authors follow this photography convention.
In fact, the real secret to getting rich is stealing this glass table. Think about it:
no table => no photos => no promotional Long Sales Letters => no sales => no profits!
It’s like you’ve castrated them all in one fell swoop… and the e-book writers will band together to pay a king’s ransom to get the table back. But, I digress….It’s time for bonuses.
Bonuses
You thought that your good luck was limited? Well, it’s not. If you ACT NOW you’ll also get bonuses. The product is so good that you may even get bribed to take it away!
The bonuses are worth $349.45. No, not $350. $349.45. Act now.
Also, it’s incredibly simple to make $9231.46 in the next 8 days. Any idiot can do it. The author did.
We’ve run out of bold text, capitals, colours and highlights so apologise that we have to now resort to horizontal lines to emphasise the important bits.
——————————————————————————–
This offer expires at midnight
Today, Tonight, this year!
——————————————————————————–
The urgency above is real. If you don’t feel the urgency you won’t ACT NOW and may do silly things like reconsidering. However, if you desperately want to reconsider, but don’t want to lose this offer, here’s a little secret: Simply change the date on your computer clock (Settings>Control>Panel>Date & Time) and reload this page – the date here changes!
Voilá!
Nifty?
He’s an honest chap and genuinely means this offer ends at midnight TONIGHT but he’s also an understanding chap and will be happy to extend it to any other night you choose. Yes, it ends tonight. Or some other night. Or both. Or a night in-between those two. Or maybe whenever you want. Or all of them. Just whenever you want to pay, really. Just pay the bloody money, OK?!
<<Note to self: If they feel date deceived don’t let on that in the US they can complain on 1-877- FTC-HELP and that, in the UK, directory enquiries will provide a local Trading Standards’ number.>>
THE PRICE
If you suspected I’m trying to sell you something you’ll be looking for an order button around now. Ha, ha! I’m NOT trying to sell YOU anything!
Don’t pay me $420, don’t pay me $250, don’t even pay me $150. For today only – bear in mind that this offer will be gone tomorrow – for today only, make a Paypal donation of $50 $5 and I promise I won’t write an e-book on writing sales copy. EVER!
Yes, I was going to charge $50, changed my mind and couldn’t find the back button to edit the price, so I used a strikethrough instead.
I ordered you to click once before and you landed on this page. Are you sorry? Yes No! You wouldn’t have come this far if you were. See, I’m not a straight-up sorta guy? I’m asking you to click again. Click the Paypal button! You’ll be glad you did.
PS: The best sounding hyperbole should go here. In the PS. Is it because everybody reads the PS thinking it’s the absolutely latest news? Or is it because the author’s IQ is less than the temperature on a cold day in Anchorage and he put the best copy in the wrong place? The answer is, yes, it’s true. It’s been scientifically proven.
PPS: The good news is that a good PS drags the letter out long enough for another Paypal button… without looking tacky. It also rounds off the karma. And that’s good for planet Earth. And the author’s planet.
PPPS: The last person who read this letter and didn’t click the Paypal button accidentally set fire to his house, reversed over the cat on his way to get help, crashed into a police car … and discovered his ex-wife in it – she wasn’t gay after all. DON’T FALL INTO THE SAME TRAP!
Top Benefits
If you cough up now I’ll say Thank You!
If the payment is for $5 or more you’ll get a special email address to send comments/feedback, and I may publish them here
By contributing you’ll be putting two fingers up at smooth talking Sales Letters everywhere
You’ll also be helping raise awareness of the tactics & cons they use, and…supporting the exposing of those via this site
Because I’m not selling anything I can’t up-sell – so, there’s no sting in the tail when you get to the checkout
——————————————————————————–
Yes, $5.00, I know you cannot believe your eyes!
——————————————————————————–
For less money than a packet of cigarettes I offer to NOT clutter the internet with my e-book, "Writing good. Long Sales Copy. Explained in 7 Simple Steps".
Click the Paypal link. Act now! It’s only $5.00. You deserve it. I deserve
it.
This page is free to read, free of affiliate links, free of plugs for e-books,
free of "Free" newsletter signups and free to link to. Because I don’t trust you
to click the Paypal button I’ve done a little monetising of this page. The #1
goal, though, is for you to
Click the Paypal button, dammit! I need fuel for my Benz
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A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says
to the bartender, “Quick pour me twelve drinks.”
So the bartender pours him twelve shots and
the guy starts shooting them back really fast,
one after another. The bartender says to the
guy, “Boy you are drinking those drinks really
fast.”
The guys says, “Well, you would be drinking
really fast too if you had what I’ve got.”
The bartender says, “What’ve you got?”
The guy says, “75 cents.”
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Hopefully this blog will be filled with jokes and amusing scenarios on the web
Let me start with this funny post:
a slew of badly named URI’s
Firstly there is Who Represents?, a database for agencies to the rich and famous: www.whorepresents.com
Second is the Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views: www.expertsexchange.com
Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island: www.penisland.net
Need a therapist? Try: www.therapistfinder.com
And there is an Italian Power-Generation company: www.powergenitalia.com
Finally we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com
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