Posted on March 5th, 2009 by jokes
The best method to making 5k a month is to go and buy a little thin hacksaw blade, a strong rucksack and wet tissues. Walk around your estate looking for telephone boxes.
Once you’ve spotted a couple that are easily reachable and not in too hot a location then just insert your hacksaw into the gap between the change box and phone and saw away until you can open the change box and take HALF of the change as you do not want to get busted.
Take your change into your rucksack and make sure you replace the change box carefully and clean the metal dust using the wet tissues. Rinse and repeat.
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Posted on February 3rd, 2009 by jokes
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is inreal distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, ‘Kin ya swallar?’
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, ‘Kin ya breathe?’
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, ‘Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t niver seed nobody do it!’
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Posted on February 3rd, 2009 by jokes
Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word “fuck.” It is the one magical word, just by its sound can describe pain, pleasure, hate and love. Fuck, as most words in the English language, takes its name from the German word “fricken,” which means “to strike.”
“Fuck” falls into many grammatical categories.
It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John).
It can be an active verb (John really fucks up) or a passive verb (Mary doesn’t really give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), and a noun (Mary is a fine fuck).
It can be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful).
As you can see, there are not many words with the versatility of “fuck.”
Besides its sexual connotation, this lovely word can be used to describe many situations:
Fraud: I got fucked at the used car lot
Dismay : Oh, fuck it!
Trouble: I guess I’m fucked now.
Aggression: Fuck you!
Passive: Fuck me
Confusion: What the fuck?
Difficulty: I can’t understand this fucking business.
Despair: Fucked again.
Apathy: Who gives a fuck.
Incompetence: He’s all fucked up!
Laziness: He’s a lazy fuck
Displeasure: What the fuck is going on here?
Ignorance: Fucked if I know.
Defiance: The fuck you can!
Lost: Where the fuck are we?
Authority: Shut the fuck up.
It can be used in descriptive anatomy – He’s really a fucking asshole.
It can be used to tell time – It’s five fucking thirty.
It can be used in business – How did I get this fucking job?
It can be a prediction – Oh, will I get fucked.
It can be maternal – as in “Mother Fucker.”
It can be nautical – Fuck the Admiral.
It can be political – Fuck Bush.
It can open the door to wonderful relationships – “Let’s fuck.”
It can be used just to enhance the meaning of a word – as in “Fanfuckingtastic” or “FuckinA.” The mind fairly boggles at the many creative uses. How can anyone be offended when you say “Fuck”?
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Posted on February 3rd, 2009 by jokes
One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”
“It depends,” she replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”
He yelled back, ” University of Oklahoma ”
And they say blondes are dumb…
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Posted on February 3rd, 2009 by jokes
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, ‘Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?’
Little Johnny waves his hand, ‘Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!’
Miss Rogers:’All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?’
Little Johnny says, ‘Mas-tur-bate.’
Miss Rogers smiles and says, ‘Wow, little Johnny, that’s a mouthful.’
Little Johnny says, ‘No, Miss Rogers, you’re thinking of a blowjob“.
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Posted on February 3rd, 2009 by jokes
A certain young man finally got a date with a young blonde that lived in his apartment complex. To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.
Unfortunately, he fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get a sunburn on his “tool“. But, determined not to miss his date, he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.
When the blonde showed up at his apartment, the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a DVD. During the DVD, however, the young man’s sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain.
The date, meanwhile, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his dingy immersed in a glass of milk. Upon seeing this, the she exclaimed – “So, that’s how you guys load those things!”.’”
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Posted on February 3rd, 2009 by jokes
Nothing
They both moan when they come
and take everything when they leave.
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Posted on February 3rd, 2009 by jokes
A husband, wife and a son walk into an ice-cream shop. The
dad says “I’ll have a chocolate.” The wife says “I’ll have
a vanilla.” Then the dad slaps his son in the back of the
head and says “What do you want fat head?”
The lady helping them says “Why did you hit him in the back
of the head and call him fat head?”
The husband says, “There are three things in life a man wants:
The first thing is a nice big truck. And you see that nice
big truck sitting out there??? That’s my nice truck!!!
The second thing in life a man wants is a nice big house.
You seen that nice big house on top of the hill on the edge
of town? That’s my big house!!!
The third thing in life a man wants is a nice tight pussy,
and I had that until fat head came along!!!
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Posted on February 3rd, 2009 by jokes
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind the bench. After the
game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
“Oh, I really liked it,” she said, “especially the really
tight pants and all of the big muscles, but I just couldn’t
understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents.”
Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What on earth do you mean?”
“Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then
for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: “Get
the quarter back! Get the quarter back!”
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Posted on February 3rd, 2009 by jokes
Due to the popularity of the “Survivor” shows, Texas is
planning to do one
entitled, “Survivor, Texas-Style.”
The contestants will all start in Dallas , then drive to Waco ,
Austin , San Antonio , over to Houston and down to Brownsville . They will
then proceed up to Del Rio , El Paso , Midland , Odessa , Lubbock and Amarillo .
From there they will go on to Abilene , Fort Worth and finally back
to Dallas.
Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read:
“I’m Gay,”
“I Love the Dixie Chicks,” “Boycott Beef,” “I
Voted for Obama,” “George
Strait Sucks,” “Hillary in 2012” and “I’m here to
confiscate your guns.”
The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.
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