Jokes and funny moments

This blind guy walked into a department store with his seeing-eyedog and headed straight for the men's department. Surroundedby pajamas and neckties, he proceeded to come to a stop,pick up his German Shepherd by the hind legs, and swingthe dog around and around in a circle.

A startled clerk ran over to him, saying loudly, "Sir...may I help you with anything?"

"No thanks," said the blind man, "just looking."

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Detroit, MI (AP) – A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Wayne County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Detroit Lions, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

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This is why I didn’t show up for work yesterday. I was cleaning out my wife’s grandpa’s cellar and found 12 bottles of his home-bottled grape wine under the steps. My wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else. I agreed to do the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork form the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I extracted the cork from the second bottle, did likewise, and drank one glass, just to check the taste to see if the old fellow knew his wine making. He did.

I then opened the third bottle, and poured it, too, down the sink, but not until drinking one full glass to check the purity. It was very good. I did this, also with the fourth bottle. One glass for myself, and the rest down the sink. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle, then corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the other, which were 29, and as the house came by I counted them again, and finally had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I felt so foolish that I couldn’t go upstairs and congratulate my wife to tell her what a great winemaker her grandpa was. I will do that after climbing the basement steps the next time they come by.

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Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have
a new baby. The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy,
bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.
‘Congratulations,’ says the nurse to the new parents.
‘Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the
baby?’

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,
‘Well, two Wong’s don’t make a white, so I think we
will name him…

Sum Ting Wong

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An Italian applies for a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little math test. “Here’s your first question,” the foreman said. “Without using numbers, represent the number 9.”

“Withouta numbers?” the Italian says, “Datsa easy.” and he proceeds to draw three trees.

“What’s this?” the boss asks. “Are you short of brain?”

“Tree and tree and tree make a nine,” says the Italian.

“Fair enough,” says the boss. “Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.”

The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. “Ere you go.”

The boss scratches his head and says, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?”

“Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Datsa 99.”

The boss is getting worried that he’s going to actually have to hire this guy, so he says, “All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.”

The Italian again stares into space for a few moments, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, “Ere you go. One hundred.”

The boss looks at the attempt. “You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!”

The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, “A little doga cumma along anda crapa by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, datsa makea one hundred So, when amma I gonna start?”

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On the Tonight Show With Jay Leno, Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a person ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience and there was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize! What do you think?

“It was midwinter, snowing and quite cold and the guy had taken her skiing. It was a day trip (No overnight involved). They were strangers, and truly did not know each other well. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere that had a restroom. Her date suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be all over the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started to pee. In the deep snow she didn’t have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her date stood on the other side of the car watching for traffic and, as a real gentleman, refrained from peeking.

Upon finishing, she soon became aware of the problem. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her butt was firmly stuck against the car’s fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor, she answered her date’s concern about “what was taking so long,” with, “she was truly freezing her butt off and needed some assistance“! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as they looked at each other, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they tried to figure a way out of this mess. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal.

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. Rescue accomplished.

As you can imagine, the remainder of the trip home was pretty quiet and despite their ‘intimate encounter’ The two did not see one another again.”

As for the Tonight Show…she took the prize hands down…or perhaps that should be “pants down”. Jay Leno was a little speechless at first, but later added,

“This story gave a whole new meaning to being ‘pissed off‘.”

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One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up — fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied,

‘My father’s an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money.’

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, ‘Is that really true about your father?’

‘No‘, the boy said, ‘He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Barack Obama elected to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the class.’

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