You shouldn’t be eating pussy at such a young age
Posted on July 13th, 2008 by jokes
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Special of the day…
Posted on April 19th, 2008 by jokes
Special of the day Frog legs
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When at the gym
Posted on February 26th, 2008 by jokes
Grand strong muscular man with a little…
Posted on January 16th, 2008 by jokes
tiny head struts into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender begins mixing the drink while strangely observing the muscular shaped man who appears to have a very little shrunken head. As the bartender begins to serve Grand his drink says,
‘Excuse me sir I don’t mean to be rude or anything like that but ive gotta ask you and am quite curious to find out how a man with such a tiny little head as is yours, could ever manage to have such a big muscular and outstanding physique ?”
” Well it’s like this you see, one day as I was strolling thru the park on my way back from work i was suddenly approached by a ugly green slimy frog who from out of no where began speaking to me in a sweet feminine voice. It told me that she was actually a beautiful princess who had accidentally been turned into an ugly nasty frog by a wicked witch who hated her for being so beautiful and more so had been seeking revenge. She said that in order for her to be turned back into the beautiful princess she would first have to receive a kiss from a handsome man.”
“So proceeded to kiss her and the next thing you know “BAM” right before me stood this tall sexy blue eyed woman named Sarah whom with out hesitation granted me 3 wishes as a gratitude for my kindness.”
“she looked into my eyes and said, tell me what you would like me to grant you as your 1St Wish.”
” So I looked at her and said, how about a body like Arnold Schwarzennegger? the next thing I knew, Bam!!! I had this great muscular physique.”
” Then she asked me for my second wish and since she was so hot I quickly turned to her and said, I wish to have sex with you for a total of 3days and 3nights non stop. the princess pulled out her little wond Bam!!! we did it like jack rabbits for 3days and 3nights”
The bartender who was still puzzled by the mans story looked over at him and said,” ok so that would explain your great physique and all but it still doesn’t explain why your head is so small.”
“ Well after having sex for 3 days and 3 nights we were both laying out in the middle of the park completely butt naked when the beautiful princess turned over to me again and asked me what i wanted for my 3rd and final wish“
” I looked in to her blue beautiful eyes and said to her, Ok, well how about a little head?”
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Sayings
Posted on August 3rd, 2007 by jokes
1) My first wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God and I didn’t!
2) I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
3) I used to work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4) Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6) Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.
7) You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10) Quoting one is plagiarism; quoting many is research.
11) I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
13) NyQuil – The stuffy, Sneezy, why is the room spinning-medicine.
14) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather…not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
15) God must love stupid people. He made so many.
16) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
17) It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.
18) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
19) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
20) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
21) MOP AND GLOW – Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.
22) Frankly, Scallop, I Don’t Give a Clam (seen on Cape Cod)
23) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up
24) Procrastinate Now
25) Rehab Is for Quitters
26) My Dog Can Lick Anyone
27) I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts – Do You Want Fries with That?
28) Computer programmers don’t byte, they nibble a bit.
29) Arkansas: One Million People and 15 last names
30) FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.
31) MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT
32) A hangover is the wrath of grapes
33) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
34) DISCOURAGE INBREEDING – Ban Country Music
35) They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken
36) He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead
37) Time’s fun when you’re having flies…Kermit the Frog
38) FOR SALE – Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.
39) HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON’T BELIEVE IN GOSH
40) A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up a thousand times the memory.
41) The Meek shall inherit the earth, after we’re through with it.
42) Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
43) HAM AND EGGS – A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
44) The trouble with life is there’s no background music.
45) The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
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Which airline?
Posted on July 27th, 2007 by jokes
A guy sitting at a bar at Gatwick noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself: “Wow, she’s so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?” Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan: “Love to fly and it shows?” She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself: “Damn, she doesn’t work for Delta.” A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, “Something special in the air?” She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched American Airlines off the list. Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: “Smooth as Silk.” This time the woman turned on him “What the F*** do you want?” The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said “Ahhhhh, Northwest!”
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Farting couple
Posted on July 13th, 2007 by jokes
There once was a married couple whose relationship was good except for one thing. The husband had a terrible farting problem. After an extremely fart filled day the wife told the husband that one day he’s going to fart all of his insides out. He told her she was crazy and went to take a nap. While the husband was napping the wife started to prepare dinner. She then thought of a funny prank to play on him. She took the insides of the chicken she was cooking and put them under the sheets in bed next to the husband’s rear. After a while she heard some comotion upstairs. She could hardley hold in her laughter when he came running down the stairs looking quite distraught. “You were right,” said the husband, “I farted all of my insides out…….. but thank god, I was able to get them all back in!”
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Guide to online dating
Posted on June 21st, 2007 by jokes
Just a few handy hints for those of you new to this….DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN’S PERSONAL
ADS
40-ish – 49
Adventurous – Slept with everyone
Athletic – No tits
Average looking – Ugly
Beautiful – Pathological liar
Contagious Smile – Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure – On medication
Feminist – Fat
Free spirit – Junkie
Friendship first – Former very *friendly* person
Fun – Annoying
New Age – Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded – Desperate
Outgoing – Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate – Sloppy drunk
Professional – Bitch
Voluptuous – Very Fat
Large frame – Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate – Stalker
WOMEN’S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you’ll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you’re in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You’re very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?
MEN’S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let’s have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don’t go with that outfit = I’m gay
And finally…..A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on wherethey are in their menstrual cycle For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features. However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.
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Cinderella and her cat
Posted on June 11th, 2007 by jokes
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years“?
The fairy godmother replied, “Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life sinceI last saw you. I’m prepared to grant you three wishes.”
Cinderella was taken back, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:
“The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I’m living hand to mouthon my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.”
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Cinderella said, “Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother“
The fairy godmother replied “it is the least that I can do.What do you want for your second wish?”
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, “I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.”
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned.Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:”You have one more wish; what shall it be?”
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, “I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.”
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, “Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.”With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered…..”Bet you’re sorry you neutered me.”
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