Tattoo
Posted on February 23rd, 2007 by jokes
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Teacher and little girl
Posted on February 23rd, 2007 by jokes
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.”
The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?” The little girl replied, “Then you ask him “
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New pill for all of life’s problems
Posted on February 21st, 2007 by jokes
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The weatherman
Posted on February 21st, 2007 by jokes
Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he’d been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year.
That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired.
He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position.
Hopkins wrote, “The climate didn’t agree with me.”
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Love pays the rent
Posted on February 15th, 2007 by jokes
A guy walks into a post office one day to see
a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter
methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright
pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He
then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying
scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he
goes up to the balding man and asks him what
he is doing. The man says “I’m sending out 1,000
Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’”
“But why?”
“I’m a divorce lawyer,”
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Give it over 100%
Posted on February 3rd, 2007 by jokes
This
equation should be taught in all math classes!
From a strictly mathematical
viewpoint, it goes like this:
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE
than 100%? Have you ever wondered about those people who say they are giving
more than 100%?
We have all been to those
meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
Here’s a little mathematical
formula that might help you answer these questions:
If
|
A |
B |
C |
D |
E |
F |
G |
H |
I |
J |
K |
L |
M |
N |
O |
P |
Q |
R |
S |
T |
U |
V |
W |
X |
Y |
Z |
is
represented as
|
1 |
2 |
3 |
4 |
5 |
6 |
7 |
8 |
9 |
10 |
11 |
12 |
13 |
14 |
15 |
16 |
17 |
18 |
19 |
20 |
21 |
22 |
23 |
24 |
25 |
26 |
Then
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
And,
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
And, look how far ass kissing will take you
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 127%
So, one can conclude with
mathematical certainty that while
Hard Work
and
Knowledge
will get you close, and
Attitude
will
get you there, it’s the
Bullshit
and
Ass Kissing
that
will put you over the top!
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NFL Wants To Remind You That Having People Over To Watch The Super Bowl On A Big Screen Is Copyright Infringement
Posted on February 3rd, 2007 by jokes
NFL Wants To Remind You That Having People Over To Watch The Super Bowl On A Big Screen Is Copyright Infringement
from the laws-written-by-lobbyists dept
What is it with sports leagues and their desire to limit how their fans can enjoy the game? There’s Major League Baseball, who keeps trying to insist that they own the facts related to a game, and no one can use them without paying MLB first. Then, there’s the NFL, who freaked out about TiVo and also tried to ban any broadcasters from using “unauthorized” video feeds to show what happens in the stadium (i.e., no sideline cameras any more). They’ve been particularly fussy about the Super Bowl, however, forcing advertisers to call it “the Big Game” or whatever, claiming excessive control over the trademark (remember, trademarks are really designed to prevent consumer confusion, not to give holders full control over the mark). The latest situation is perhaps even more bizarre — but tragically, seems to fall closer to a correct legal reading of a really poorly written law. The NFL apparently nastygrammed a church for planning to host a Super Bowl party. The original complaint was first that the church was charging people, but also that they used the term “Super Bowl” (as if people would somehow believe that the church was associated with the NFL?). After the church agreed to let people in for free and not use the term, the NFL continued to complain, saying that showing the Super Bowl on a screen larger than 55 inches represents copyright infringement. While we, at first, doubted the reality of this, Ben Austro sent in the fact that it is, indeed, spelled out in copyright law that once you get above 55″, you may be talking about a “public performance,” though, as Ben notes, the wording sounds like it was clearly written by a lobbyist. No matter what the law states, this seems ridiculously short-sighted by the NFL. It’s hard to see how they lose out in any meaningful way by not allowing groups to watch the Super Bowl together. Of course, now that this particular quirk of copyright law is getting some attention, how long will it be until the MPAA starts cracking down on those of you with really big screen TVs from showing movies in your home theaters. What was a joke just a few months ago, may become real.
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Meeting people on the eater’net
Posted on February 2nd, 2007 by jokes
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What do lawyers taste like
Posted on January 31st, 2007 by jokes
Two tigers are walking along a jungle trail in single file.
The rearmost tiger wanders off the trail for a few minutes, then reappears shortly thereafter. A few moments later, the front tiger feels what seems to be the other tiger’s tongue, applied just below his tail. The tiger disapproves of this action, but doesn’t want to start anything by bringing it up. Then, the tiger again feels the tongue, again in the same place.
He decides to confront the after tiger, and asks him, “Did you just lick me twice in the butt?”
The other tiger replied, “Yeah, sorry about that. I just ate a lawyer and I was trying to get the taste out of my mouth.”
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