Jokes and funny moments

Study each question carefully, then choose the answer that
seems “most” correct (TRUE or FALSE) and mark an “X” (just
like you sign your name) on the appropriate line at the right.

1. A clitoris is a type of flower ____TRUE____FALSE

2. Pubic hair is a wild rabbit ____TRUE____FALSE

3. “Spread Eagle” is an extinct bird ____TRUE____FALSE

4. Vagina – a medical term to describe heart trouble
____TRUE____FALSE

5. A menstrual cycle has three (3) wheels ____TRUE____FALSE

6. A G-string is a part of a violin ____TRUE____FALSE

7. Semen is another word for sailor ____TRUE____FALSE

8. Anus is the latin word for “yearly” ____TRUE____FALSE

9. Testicles are found on an octopus ____TRUE____FALSE

10. Asphalt describes rectal troubles ____TRUE____FALSE

11. Masturbate is used to catch a large fish ____TRUE____FALSE

12. Kotex is a radio station in Bryan, Tx ____TRUE____FALSE

13. Coitus is a musical instrument ____TRUE____FALSE

14. Fetus is a character on gunsmoke ____TRUE____FALSE

15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute ____TRUE____FALSE

16. A condom is an apartment complex ____TRUE____FALSE

17. orgasm – accompanies the choir at church ____TRUE____FALSE

18. A diaphram is a drawing in geometry ____TRUE____FALSE

19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle ____TRUE____FALSE

20. erection – when the Japanese vote for their new
government____TRUE____FALSE

21. A lesbian is a person from the middle east ____TRUE____FALSE

22. Sodomy is a special kind of fast-growing grass
____TRUE____FALSE

23. Pornography is the business of making record albums
____TRUE____FALSE

24. Genitals are people of non-jewish faith ____TRUE____FALSE

25. Douch is the Italian word for “twelve” ____TRUE____FALSE

26. An enema is someone who is not your friend ____TRUE____FALSE

27. Ovaries are a french egg dish made with cheese
____TRUE____FALSE

28. Scrotum is a small planet near Venus ____TRUE____FALSE

29. “Cock” is a bird that crows in the morning ____TRUE____FALSE

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Stan was seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and
sister-in-law barged in the room holding their newborn baby.

“Stop! You can’t do this!” exclaimed the brother.

“And why not?” asked Stan.
“Don’t you want to have a beautiful baby someday like my wife and I have
here?”

Stan said nothing.

The brother grew impatient, “C’mon Stan, I want a nephew.
Stan, make me an uncle.”

Stan couldn’t take it anymore. He gave his sister-in-law an apologetic look
and asked his brother, “You’re SURE you want a nephew?”

“Yes,” the brother replied. “It would be an honor!”

“Well congratulations, you’re holding him!”

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Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and
some days you’re the statue.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just
in case you have to eat them.

Always read stuff that will make you look good
if you die in the middle of it.

Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot
at tax collectors, and miss.

Drive carefully. It’s not only cars that can
be recalled by their maker.

Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing
worse will happen to you for the rest of the
day.

If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice
into a watergun and shoot other people in the
eyes.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency
to be vague.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try
kickboxing.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that
person again, it was probably worth it.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat
until caught. Then lie.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is
simply to serve as a warning to others.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same
time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand
on.

Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes
your time and annoys the pig.

Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just
get up and dance.

The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep
late.

When everything’s coming your way, you’re
in the wrong lane.

You are what you eat. So stay away from the
jerk chicken.

Be nice to the nerds and geeks in high school
– you’ll be working for them in the future.

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Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he’d given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

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Each Friday night after work, sun, snow or rain, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a moose steak. But, all of Bubba’s neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled moose steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.
The priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass, and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said: “You were born a Protestant and raised a Protestant, but now you are a Catholic.”

Bubba’s neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled moose filled the neighborhood.

The priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Jack’s yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: “You wuz born a moose, you wuz raised a moose, but now you is a Catfish“.

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Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says ” I’m a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know… Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist.”

The second guy says “I’m a D.I.N.K, you know… Double Income, No Kids.”

The third guy says, ” I’m a R.U.B, you know… Rich, Urban, Biker.”

They turn to the woman and ask her, ” What are you? “

She replies: ” I’m a WIFE, you know…
Wash, Iron, F**k, Etc.”

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Three convicts were on the way to prison. They
were each allowed to take one item with them
to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.
On the bus, one turned to another and said, “So,
what did you bring?”

The second convict pulled out a box of paints
and stated that he intended to paint anything
he could. He wanted to become the “Grandma Moses
of Jail“. Then he asked the first, “What did
you bring?”

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards
and grinned and said, “I brought cards. I can
play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of
games.”

The third convict was sitting quietly aside,
grinning to himself. The other two took notice
and asked, “Why are you so smug? What did you
bring?”

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled.
He said, “I brought these.”

The other two were puzzled and asked, “What
can you do with those?”

He grinned and pointed to the box and said,
“Well according to the box, I can go horseback
riding, swimming, roller-skating….”

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Oh Lord, won’t you burn me a Knoppix CD ?
My friends all rate Windows, I must disagree.
Your powers of persuasion will set them all free,
So oh Lord, won’t you burn me a Knoppix CD ?

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